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I knew a man growing up who showed to his community something completely different from what his family saw in their private home life. His wife and children saw and felt his abusive explosions of anger almost every time he became pressurized inside his fragile heart. They still wear some of those scars today. 

That man’s life was worse than an iceberg; an iceberg is of the same integrity below the service as above it. If a ship’s captain sees ice in Arctic waters, he knows there’s more ice than he sees. He’ll assume there’s danger and adjust his course. Oh, that the Titanic’s captain had possessed such wisdom. 

Icebergs, as I’ve stated, not only reveal the same substance that is hidden. They also reveal only a small portion of the whole of it. So, what we see is a small sample of its fullness. 

Let’s apply this to marriage. First, a sample is an exact representation of something. To show publicly something different from the actual marriage is hypocritical; it presents a lie. If a marriage is hypocritical in this way, it lacks an essential ingredient, the couple’s respect for each other and each one’s self-respect. As Paul wrote to Timothy, it’s vital, even in this age of grace, in which forgiveness and agape-love are abundant, that we maintain a clear conscience; anything less messes with our sense of self-worth and self-confidence, both of which contribute to a vibrant marriage. 

The second fact about samples is that they’re very small compared to the whole. Again, an iceberg shows a very small percentage of the entire chunk of ice. The rest is hidden.

Hidden things have a prominent place in Scripture. Colossians tells us that all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge are hidden in Christ (Colossians 2:3). Exactly one chapter later (Colossians 3:3), it states that we, Christians are hidden with God in Christ. Consider, also, that David hid God’s Word in his heart to prevent his sinning, that Jesus taught of a treasure hidden in a field (representing salvation) and a pearl of great price (representing us whom God saved) was hidden in the sea, and we can easily surmise that God cares about what is unseen by mankind.

To take this to a practical level for married couples, please consider these suggestions:

1. Let the quality of your behind-closed-doors-life be consistent with what you show your community. If your private life is worse than your publicly displayed one, match them up, not by adjusting the public life downward in Godliness, but by bringing up the quality of the private display. The result will be all the many benefits of a Godly life, including the reaping of good seed sown. 
2. Don’t fall for the trap of attempting to pridefully impress the world. Let your below-the surface far exceed what’s above it, in terms of admirable qualities and blessings bestowed, things like earthly wealth, accomplishments and accolades. The temptation can be over-showing God’s blessing, intending it to be for His glory. While it’s a balance that requires the Spirit’s leading, be sure to err on the side of humility and sharing private blessing with those in your inner circle. 

In short, maintain an iceberg marriage.

The word picture for preposterous is very clear. 

Dissecting the word into parts, pre means before; post means after, so the word meaning is all about order, and when this word is used it means things are out of order. What is meant to be before is after and what is meant to be after is before. 

The expression getting the cart before the horse is a perfect analogy for being preposterous. 

The suffix erous means to have the quality of, but in this case, we can transliterate it; in other words, we can use its sound to capture its meaning, kind of like an onomatopoeia. 

So, preposterous is such an accurate description of the world culture of our era that we could say out-of-order are us. (kinda like Toys R Us).

When it comes to relationships, the order of things is very important to God, especially in the man-woman romantic relationship. 

The problem with our culture, as has been the case with most every culture in human history, is that men and woman attracted to each other get things out of order.

Sex comes, too often, before the other aspects of the relationship. Friendship, partnership in endeavors, family support, emotional intimacy, commitment and marital covenant are better ordered before sex, yet couples often have sex before some or all of the other aspects.

We’ve heard some people described as being like an onion; they have to be accessed one layer at a time. Well, I think every romantic relationship is like an onion; it has to be navigated one layer at a time; and having sex prematurely not only gets things out of the order God intended, but sacrifices some of the most important parts of the romance process. 

So, here’s the advice of a sixty-three-year-old romantic who experienced virtually every challenge of single life and landed in a fulfilling marriage of now thirty-eight years:

1. Become friends first. Friendship is the best foundation for a romantic relationship and it serves as the lifeblood of a long-term marriage.
2. Experience some non-sexual endeavors together, projects – short-term and long-term – that require you to work together, learn each other’s strengths and weaknesses and rely on each other for success. The emotional bond you build will be very strong. 
3. This one may be third on the list, but it’s first in importance. Make God the center of your relationship. As you both draw near to Him, you’ll find that you two are also very close as a couple in the best way.
4. Commit to not having sex until you’re married. This may be old-fashioned and countercultural, but it’s the desire of the ancient of Days (that’s God), and His way always works best. (Doing things His way is what it means to be holy, especially when it starkly contrasts with the ways of the culture.)

Dare to navigate the romantic process in the right order in a culture full of preposterous relationships.

Years ago when our children were in the at-home-developmental-stage, and my wife and I referred to our children as kids, my father-in-law sometimes corrected us.

“A kid is a baby goat,” he would say.

Shepherds often have goats and sheep in the same flock, thus Jesus’ analogy about separating them in Matthew 25. 

There are some examples we can find in the lives of good shepherds that prove useful in raising human children. Here are eight of them:

1. They know their sheep. A good shepherd knows their sheep’s strengths, weaknesses, tendencies and fears; parents can do the same by observing and studying their children, and we have great resources available. My two favorites are The Five Love Languages of Your Family, and How am I Smart?

2. Their sheep know them. A sheep knows his shepherd because that shepherd is consistently present with consistent behavior. If that behavior is consistently good, the sheep will willingly trust the shepherd. For parents, the key words are consistent, present and good.

3. They lay down their lives for their sheep. David risked his life, killing the bear and the lion, for his sheep. What parents lay down is more like their time, their pride and their energy for their kids.

4. They protect them. Protecting kids also often requires sacrifice. Protecting their physical wellbeing involves physical energy, and their mental and emotional protection requires guarding them against damaging words; sticks and stones…is a lie. Protecting them spiritually means teaching and exemplifying God’s love for them.

5. They rescue them and carry them home. Jesus established the Priority of the One Principle. If someone’s in trouble, drop what you’re doing, rescue them and bring them home. The mottos, No Man Left Behind (from the US military) and No Child Left Behind (President G. W. Bush’s education stance) serve as modern day practical examples of the principle. Parents who follow this commit all they can possibly give to rescue their child from whatever real danger threatens them.

6. They provide for them. Laying them down in the green grass…preparing a table for them…their cup running over… These are Biblical examples. What it looks like for parents is putting in the effort to ensure their kids’ needs are met.

7. They give them peace. If shepherds lead their sheep beside still waters and comfort them with their protective rod and staff, how do parents settle the anxious hearts of their children? By doing whatever is necessary to relieve their kids of anxiety.

8. They never leave them. This one, neither shepherds nor parents can promise to the degree Jesus can. What parents can promise is to never, to the best of their ability, leave the child uncared for; some things the parent will be present for, while other things will be wisely delegated to the trustworthy, and all things will be placed by faith in the all-capable hands of God. The parent can also promise that their thoughts and prayers for the child will never cease.

Parents, if we enact these eight, our parenting (shepherding) will be great!

Is it better to marry or not to marry? 

If we put this question to the world at large, there’s no telling what the answers would be. Preference of marital status seems to change with each generation. 

But what if we pose the question to Biblical Scripture? Even then, it’s more complicated than a simple, straightforward for or against.

So, let’s start at the beginning. God created a man and judged that he needed a woman. Future men, God declared, would leave their parents and attach themselves to their wives. 

Round 1 goes to Marrying.

Then we read through the centuries, through the Pentateuch, Joshua, Judges, the Kingdom era, the Prophets, pause for the silent years and find Jesus saying that divorce never was God’s will, but was given as a sort of concession to men’s ungodly slant, implying that God wants husband and wife to remain husband and wife. 

Round 2 also goes to Marrying.

So far, it’s Marrying – 2, and Not Marrying – 0.

Then we come to the epistles of Paul. But even though Paul is one person he doesn’t seem to be singularly clear on the matter.

On one hand, Paul asserts that the unmarried Christian can devote their all to the Lord, while the married are concerned with the affairs of this world, like how they can please their spouse. (1 Corinthians 7:34). 

That’s To Marry – 2 and Not to Marry – 1.

On the other hand, in the same letter to the Corinthian church, two chapters later, he makes the point that he should also be allowed a wife, like the other apostles bring along in their travels, almost like he would prefer to be married.

Even though it isn’t a decisive win, we have to chalk that one up to marriage.

The tally now?

To Marry – 3, Not to Marry – 1.

The real question is, how does this apply to you or me?

Well, I’m married, so marriage is God’s will for me, and if you’re married, God wants you to remain in your current state, as well.

If you aren’t married, it can be confusing for you. 

Any time you don’t see clarity on an issue in Scripture, God has provided two supporting beams in the Body of Christ to help gain understanding and make decisions: the Holy Spirit who dwells within you, and the wise counsel of your brothers and sisters in Christ. And God has placed a good head on your shoulders, so remember that you have the wisdom and intelligence to make the right decision with the aforementioned supporting beams.

Any time people are factors in our decision-making, like a potential future spouse, it becomes much more complex than an issue without a major human factor. So, if you’re trying to decide whether you should marry a particular person, seek God relentlessly about it. Remember, Jesus said if we seek, we will find, so if you’re really seeking Him and His will, He’ll reveal what you seek. Of course, if your counterpart, the one you may marry, is also seeking God and communication between the two of you is abundant,  the wisdom for decision-making grows. 

To bring this to a conclusion:

Pray! Pray! Pray!

Communicate! Communicate!

Pray! Pray! Pray!

Communicate! Communicate!

Then, move forward when you have some certainty of whether…

To marry or not to marry.

In a few years – probably 2028 – a book will hit the shelves titled Rollercoaster Parenting.  Here’s a synoptic preview of it, its 4 Core Statements, all based on Proverbs 22:6:

1. To train them up means to establish them. That’s the real meaning of the Hebrew word in that verse. Here’s where the rollercoaster analogy comes in. Rollercoasters are built to never come off track. Their wheels don’t just ride along on the track, like a train. They grip the track, hugging both the top and bottom of the rail. Here are some of the wheels that will help your child hug the rail:
   1. Christ revealed.
   2. Grace understood.
   3. Love relayed.
   4. Scripture trusted.
   5. Faith Practiced.
   6. Intimacy Walked
   7. Hope Carried.

2. The way they should go refers to Christ Jesus. It isn’t unrelated to Proverbs 22:6 that Jesus professed to be The Way (as well as the Truth and the Life). If there’s any confusion as to what the way means, John 14:6 clears that up for us pretty quickly. The way isn’t a path; it’s a person, not a how-to, but a Him. The way to the Father is by His Son, and the way in which to establish a child as we bring them up is the same – Jesus Christ, the Son of God, Savior of the World, Lord of all creation. The child being wholly committed to Jesus, living, moving and having their being in Him – that’s the way they should go. 

3. When they’re old means life-long longevity. There’s a word implied here, and that word is even. So, with that word included, the verse goes Train up as child in the way they should go, and even when they’re old they won’t depart from it. 

4. Not depart from it is literal in meaning.  It’s crazy how many solid Bible students and even teachers I’ve heard interpret the verse like this: Train up a child in the way they should go, and if they stray, they’ll come back to it when they’re old. Excuse me, but that’s rewriting God’s Word. Not necessary. Let’s just take God at His Word. Not to worry, though. There are plenty of encouraging promises and precedents in the Bible for those parents with a child who’s strayed, of which I am one. Let’s come back to that in another blog-post. For now, let it suffice to get children established in the way from which they will never depart.

Marriage is a relationship of decision-making.

Decide means, literally, to cut away. It comes from the Latin word decider, which is two word parts. De is a prefix meaning away; cidere means to cut.  (Making an incision is cutting into; concise means the lengthy part has been cut off.)

To decide means to eliminate the unwanted part (to cut it away); it’s exactly the process of elimination, and the imagery is a sculptor chiseling away parts of the marble stone until what remains is the beautiful three-dimensional image they desire. 

A married couple makes decisions from day one and even before. Their old girlfriends and boyfriends are cut away, then the parents, and eventually the children. Cutting away – at least in the case of parents and children – doesn’t mean they’re cut out of their lives altogether; it just means they’re cut out of the marriage; nothing and no one can come between husband and wife. 

We’ve probably all seen couples with one set of parents inserted between the husband wife in some way, and children are experts at squeezing between their parents. Both situations can spell major trouble for the marriage; I’ve seen marriages end because the decision was never agreed upon by husband and wife to cut out the intruder. 

And then there’s the inanimate presence that must be chiseled away, things like hobbies, expenses and preoccupations that wreak havoc on the marriage. 

The list of potential unwanted intruders  is too long to include; more important is the strategy for deciding (literally) in marriage. 

The key is to remember that, for the married couple, spouse and marriage are number one; number two may be uber important, like children and parents, but they cannot be number one. They aren’t even part of number one. Allow nothing to compete with spouse or marriage, and address any threats – especially the people ones – together as a unified couple. Stick together and don’t allow any force to separate you. 

To repeat my very first sentence, marriage is a relationship of decision-making. Spend your entire marriage deciding in favor of spouse and marriage, and you’ll have a long and fruitful marriage…..decidedly so!

The minions had been called to formation. Thousands of them stood in rank order before their commanding officer, Captain Asunder. 

Asunder’s voice was powerful as thunder and could be heard for miles as his words rumbled into the pointy ears of the minions, rattling their boney chests as it resonated between the mountains and across the valley where the army had mustered. “Imps, lowly bootlickers, servile soldiers of the basest rank, if you will prove yourself and achieve any semblance of promotion in the kingdom of Lucifer, you will do as I command, and you will do it with results!” Asunder paced back and forth stomping, drool escaping his lips to roll down his prickly chin and putrid beath fogging from his mouth as he delivered his vile, monstrous tones. “Yahweh has established his desire for his married people, which you idiots should know by now provides your objective. Our mission is always what?”

Exactly the opposite of Yahweh’s desire!” Thousands of strong unified voices yelled back to their commanding officer. Asunder was pleased but would never be heard saying so. 

So if Yahweh has said the husband and wife are one flesh, united together, then your mission is…” Asunder paused ever so briefly.

“To divide and conquer!” The minions shouted back in fear, right again.

“If the husband is to love his wife…”

Turn his heart against her!

“If the wife is to submit to her husband…”

“Incite rebellion in her heart!”

“Well,” Asunder said with an evil laugh, “you fools got the easy ones right. But Major Malcontent will now instruct you in the more delicate tactics.”

The major stepped forward and addressed the army assembled for the destruction of marriage. “We know you can shout, but can you whisper?”

The troops said nothing; the last thing needed right now was a shout. 

“You know how to fight, but can you work together?”

Major Malcontent continued addressing the army. “Work in tandem. One of you, whisper in the husband’s ear, slandering his wife; and the other, slander the husband in the ear of the wife.”

The minions stood, wiser now, ready for their final orders. 

Malcontent opened his mouth for more instruction, but Asunder interrupted, stepping forward and yelling. “Now fly your little boney asses out of here and don’t come back until you’ve broken up some marriages, some families and some homes!” 

Fear for Asunder catapulted all the minions into the sky, swarming like a flock of locusts. They flew around the earth, dropping down by twos onto married couples on every continent. 

Let’s remember that we husbands and wives don’t fight against each other, but together against the powers of darkness assigned by our enemy to bring about our destruction. 

Our defense? Eat. Pray. Love.

Eat. Devour God’s Word.

Pray. Pray for your spouse and for your marriage.

Love. Love your spouse as yourself.

Victory over every hellish minions is ours!

Glory to God!

If you want to be the perfect daddy’s girl, follow these six pieces of advice:

1. Have a special song with your dad. “Hey Baby, Will You Be My Girl” is the best one, but I’m sure others can work. But sing it back and forth with your daddy (and change “girl” to “daddy” when your verse rolls around). Every time you think of it, sing it, and if you’re ever at an event and the song comes on, sing it to each other while dancing and acting crazy (try to embarrass your dad, but don’t feel defeated if he embarrasses you more).

2. If you have a little sister, five years younger than you, be a second mother to her. It’s okay to be a bit on the bossy side, but don’t get too upset if she becomes even bossier than you and demands that you do every little thing for her. Oh, and live near her when you grow up, just in case she still needs you, although, you shouldn’t be hurt if she somehow becomes super independent and doesn’t seem to need much help from anyone. But I know you’ll be there for her anyway, just because you love her and that’s who you are.

3. When you grow up and move out on your own, text your dad one random morning at 6:00 because you two were always the first ones up and you shared a 6 a.m. cup of coffee together every morning. Just text: “I miss you, Daddy.” I promise you he’ll cry that morning and thank God that you’re his daughter. But do this only once. He’s just a man and his soft heart can’t take but just so much of that kind of thing from his daddy’s girl.

4. When you and your dad are planning your mom’s 50^thbirthday party and you’re making a decision about whether to take a slight shortcut or to go over the top, insist on going over the top. Just look at your dad and say, “because that’s what she would do.” It’ll show your dad that you’ve gleaned lessons from your mother, who happens to be the person most committed to excellence that you’ve ever known. And he’ll be even prouder of you, if that’s possible.

5. When you get out in the world and start making your way, become very well known as a hard-working, super organized, creative professional with very high standards. Your daddy will beam every time he tells a friend about how awesome you’re doing.

6. When you turn 30, come home to your daddy because all your siblings will be there to celebrate you because your whole family loves you so very much.

Happy birthday to my daughter, Kristin! I love you, Kwi!

My mother wasn’t known as a hyper-religious person. Even though she was a faithful servant in our local church, she probably wasn’t seen by church leadership as a spiritual giant. She wasn’t a forceful teacher of the Bible, and she didn’t typically lead the church’s big ministry projects.

Yet, she had a more powerful impact on my spiritual life than anyone prior to my marriage, at which point my wife carried that baton. 

My mom’s most effective ministry in my life was when she would point me very gently, often with a whisper, to God in the most intimate place in my life, the most private place – utterly secret – my heart. She was training me to experience God’s self-revelation, which I know now to be the single greatest thing a parent can do for their child.

Jesus changed the name of Simon, son of Jonah, from Simon to Peter. Peter means rock, Jesus told him, and He said that it was on this rock that He would build his church. He didn’t mean Peter, the man, would be the rock on which He would establish His church; He wasn’t declaring Peter to be the first pope, as some believe He was.  

If Jesus wasn’t at all saying He’d build His church on Peter. On what, then? 

The answer to that question is found in the reason He cited for changing Simon’s name to Peter. Simon, in his final moment as Simon, professed that Jesus was the Christ, the Messiah, the Son of the living God. 

Jesus replied that such knowledge had to have been revealed to Simon Peter by God (Matthew 16).

That’s what Jesus would build His church on!

The church all Jesus followers are a part of today and all since its inception (Acts 2) is built on God revealing to people who Jesus is. 

That’s how God builds His kingdom in our hearts, by revelation of Himself, and as a person receives that revelation, they become part of His kingdom; they become a building block in His church because they have revelation knowledge of Jesus. 

Personally, I believe someone can be saved only by trusting the Divinely revealed Christ.

Now, back to the parenting piece of this. 

If a person needs Christ Divinely revealed to be saved, and the church is built by saved souls being its building blocks, the greatest thing a parent can do is to help their child be positioned to receive the Divinely revealed Son of God. 

When a parent does this, they’re accomplishing the most supremely important things in the universe – multiple supremely important things. Their children are saved by Jesus Christ, God’s kingdom is being built, His church constructed, with the souls of their children.

One final, very important thought. Parents, while God’s revealed Son is the means for your kid’s salvation, cooperate with God; don’t set examples that contradict the truth of the gospel, and don’t treat your child in a way that conflicts with God’s love. 

This is how parents build God’s kingdom.

Grace is a pretty widely understood concept. Generally, people know that grace is favor given to someone undeserving. Amazing Grace has got to be one of the most well-known, recognizable and oft-sung songs in America; it shows up a lot in movies, concerts and all kinds of settings, and, of course, church services.

But I doubt many people have considered grace as an approach to parenting. 

But why not?

For parents who are Jesus followers, who want to raise their kids to know and follow Jesus, what better way to teach them Jesus than to treat them the way Jesus has taught us? 

I know what you’re thinking. Kids need firm corrective discipline.

And we don’t? 

And grace excludes firm corrective discipline? 

Maybe the best way to make my point is through these 6 points:

1. The best way for parents to teach their kids the gospel is to offer forgiveness rather than penalties.
2. We learn better by example than by exclamation, by model than by monologue. (actions speak louder than words)
3. Learning is optimized by participation; letting a child experience forgiveness by receiving it from their earthly parent will ingrain grace in their psyche like no other method of teaching.

4. A child getting responsive wrath from their parent and then taught at church about the Heavenly Father’s forgiveness can leave a disconnect deep in their heart that may not manifest for decades, leaving them with a mess to clean up as a dysfunctional adult.

5. Grace parenting includes discipline and facing consequences; consider these two New Testament Scriptures written and applied to Christians like us: 

Gal. 6:7 – Don’t be deceived; for God is not mocked, for whatever you sow, that you shall also reap.

Hebr. 12:6 – The Lord disciplines those He loves and chastises every son and daughter He receives.

6. Like everything we do with God, grace parenting takes a degree of faith; it requires that we trust God and His way, that it will ultimately prove best.

Parents, please consider these points and pray about grace adjustments to your parenting.

Admittedly, this is an introductory, scratch-the-surface blog on the topic, so I look forward to providing more depth and clarity in future blogs.

Meanwhile…..may the face of God, our perfect Heavenly Father, shine upon you and your children!