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When I married my wife, I married someone whose parents were very successful in business and respected by everyone in their community. And their community was different from the community I had known growing up. My dad used to say we were dirt farmers, and it made sense since we spent most of our time tending crops in the fields of our family farm operation. And we were always dirty.

But on my wedding day I got cleaned up. I remember looking out at those in attendance sitting in the pews of my wife’s family’s church. These were a different class of people from what I was used to (other dirt farmers), and I was tempted to believe that I didn’t belong there.  

One look at my bride as she walked up the aisle toward me, on the arm of her very distinguished father, and I was reassured. She loved me and was somehow as excited to be marrying me as I was about marrying her. 

But I distinctly remember thinking in that moment, “Man, I’m really marrying up.”

It makes sense that only one in a marriage can marry up; the other would have to be marrying down, right? Not necessarily. It’s possible – I’ve seen it many times, and you probably have, too – for both spouses to feel they’ve married up. 

I spoke to a friend recently, whose wife is very gifted as a wife, a mom, and a woman of God, not to mention her artistic talent. I said to him, “Not just anyone could win someone like her; it could only be someone like you. He’s also pretty impressive as a husband, father, man of God, and a professional. When I look at that couple, it seems they’ve both married up. 

There’s another way to look at the whole marry up thing.

Picture a man standing, looking up to God; also, picture a woman standing a distance from the man, looking up to God, herself. They both are seeking God. The two of them and God form a triangle. As they each move closer to God, each moving upward, as it were, they notice that they are moving ever closer to each other.

What they have most in common is that they both love God, are seeking Him, and are moving upward in closeness to Him. As they become a couple and continue their upward motion toward the Lord, they find themselves growing closer together; their triangle gets smaller and smaller.

One day they get married; into their marriage, they never stop growing closer to God, and therefore, never stop growing closer to each other.

They aren’t just growing closer horizontally as a couple, they’re also growing vertically to God. They’ve married up, both of them, and continued in an upward marriage as long as they are both alive.

Now that’s marrying up! It’s the best kind of marrying up!

If that isn’t your story, it isn’t too late. Just start, both you and your spouse, growing closer to God, and you’ll find yourselves getting closer. And you’ll find that you both have married up.

My book Interwoven Love was released recently. This is a book that defines marital love. Here’s a synopsis of the book and a few of its features.

There are four Greek Words that translate, each one of them, to our one English word love. Two of those words are in the original Greek manuscripts of the Bible, and the other two aren’t. The New Testament’s original language was Greek, and even though the Old Testament’s was Hebrew, it was translated into Greek (the Septuagint) prior to the birth of Jesus. So, it seems God chose Greek as the language He’d use to express Himself through Scripture. 

Love, in the English language and in our culture, is largely undefined and much misunderstood, which means it can be very confusing. In fact, there’s an early chapter in Interwoven Love titled Love = x because it’s a variable. 

The four Greek love words are:

1. Agape – Love that requires nothing in advance or in return. (in the Bible dozens of times)
2. Phileo – Love between friends. (in the Bible several times)
3. Storge – Love between family members. (not in the Bible)
4. Eros – Love between sexual/romantic partners. (not in the Bible)

Marriage is the only relationship that includes all four types of love. If they’re interwoven properly, they make for an immensely satisfying marriage.

The most important love in marriage is agape, and it should be most abundant. All three other loves need it for them to be effective; in fact, without agape, eros will prove destructive rather than edifying for the couple.

Understanding what God had in mind when He invented the marriage relationship means understanding the Greek loves and how they work together in interwoven fashion in the life of the married couple.

As a residual, knowledge of these love words will benefit every area of life because, while marriage may be the only four-loves relationship, some combination of the loves are involved in every other relationship, both vertical and horizontal. But this book is about marriage and knowing these loves well will make yours better.

You can find the book on Amazon or online book stores, like Barnes and Noble. And, even though you probably won’t see it on the shelf in the brick-and-mortar stores, you can order it there. The price is $10.99. It’s available as an e-book (Kindle) for a lower price, but not as an audio. It’s a short read (only about 100 pages), I believe it can be very helpful to it readers, both married and pre-married. If you read it, I’d love to get your feedback at gabrieltew@gabrieltew.com.

Blessings to All!

The spirit of a person can hold up under all kinds of troubles. Sickness, loss, financial difficulties, interpersonal turmoil, all these things take a toll but for the child of God – who is reconciled with God in Christ Jesus – these troubles shouldn’t be feared. All fear and reverence belong to God, whose judgment is not merely earthly but eternal. (Do not fear those who kill the body but cannot kill the soul. Rather, be afraid of the One who can destroy both body and soul in hell. – Matt 10:28) 

Externals cannot reach our heart, our spirit; we get to decide how our heart responds to our circumstances. 

Yet we are not perfect and often need help in guarding our heart. If you’re married, you and your spouse have more power than anyone else to aid each other in keeping a strong attitude. 

Helper is what God first called Eve. Jesus also referred to the Holy Spirit as a helper. A good and Godly husband will be a help to his wife. 

Marriage is much about spouses helping each other, and there may be no more important help than the help of keeping one another encouraged. 

A worthy focus for a spouse’s day can be summed up in this daily commitment: Today I will keep my spouse encouraged and out of despair. To have the person closest to give themselves to such a worthy and helpful work, itself, is uplifting; to be lifted by your spouse is one of God’s intended benefits of marriage. Sadly, spouses sometimes do the opposite, contributing to, rather than preventing their discouragement.

It’s super-important work for every spouse because nothing is more important than the condition of one’s heart. 

Try it; make today’s goal to keep your spouse encouraged. Do it with your words, your actions and your prayers. Watch the difference in them, in your marriage, in yourself. I promise you’ll find it to be a more than worthy use of your energies. 

The human spirit can endure a sick body, but who can bear a broken spirit? Proverbs 18:14

Nehemiah had returned from Babylonian captivity to rebuild the great wall of Jerusalem. The wall encircling the city was 2.5 miles long and about 11 feet high. That’s a lot of stones.

It was a 52-day-long (miraculously short) period of reconstruction for the wall and there had been attacks – both verbal and physical – from the enemies of the Jews to prevent the city from being rebuilt and returning to prominence. 

The workers even had to carry weapons for protection while they did their work, and some Jewish people Nehemiah had assigned solely to guard the workers.

Once the work was completed, all the people of the city gathered to hear the reading of God’s word, which consisted at that time of the Law of Moses. 

At the hearing of the requirements God had written for His people and realizing how disobedient they had been, the people began to weep the tears of remorse.

That didn’t sit well with Nehemiah. In attempt to redirect the mourners, he told them to stop the crying. 

Even though conviction of disobedience to God is a good thing, there is a time for all things under heaven; and this wasn’t the time for sorrow. 

Nehemiah understood something every leader, every spouse, every person needs to understand

Celebration is absolutely a must. 

He essentially told his people that their strength – the joy of the Lord – was at stake here and celebration, which would accompany their joy, was too important to miss.

This lesson has endless applications. Marriage is one of them.

My wife and I just returned from a trip to eastern Europe, where we celebrated our 38^th wedding anniversary. 

That was the 38^th time we’ve celebrated an anniversary, and we go away every July 11^th to celebrate. (One year we stayed a block away from our home at a bed & breakfast because the birth of our 4^th child was eminent and a sitter spent the night in our home with our 3 first kids, ages 6, 4 and 2.)

We always look forward to our big anniversary celebration trip; I maintain a document that includes each year and the destination of each year’s celebration. It’s the highlight of our year each year.

Here are some thoughts to consider for celebration within marriage:

• Celebration Requires Focus. Focus means ignoring – or even eliminating – the peripheral. Nehemiah wanted the focus to be the success God had made for them with the wall project, but the people got distracted by their past disobedience. It’s easy for us to focus on the negatives. But celebration is a time for focusing on positives. Resist the temptation to delve into the problems in your home, family and marriage. There’s an appropriate time to address issues, but celebration and correction don’t mix. 

• Celebration = Success + Success + Success. When Nehemiah gathered the people, they had a list of successes to celebrate, the completion of the project, the timeliness of the completion, the enemies overcome, and the future strength and freedom of Jerusalem. Sometimes my wife and I will name the successes of the past year, recent months, and over our whole marriage. These addends equal a sum of genuine celebration with substance and depth.

• Celebration Is Exclusive. Jerusalem was the place, the Jewish generation of transition from exile were the people, and the wall project was the success. Nobody else, nowhere else, and no other successes were included in the celebration. Celebrate your marriage in a strategic location and with only your spouse (unless you would include close family and friends for a super special success, like a golden anniversary).

• Celebration Always Includes God. If you’re successful in something, and God provided every single resource involved, including your wisdom and ability, who really deserves the credit? A huge part of celebration is giving credit where credit is due. Neglecting the celebration of God means the celebration is perverse. Celebrating marriage must place at the forefront the Creator of each spouse, Joiner of the husband and wife, Provider of all their needs and Protector that preserves their lives and relationship. 

I hope this helps in your future marriage celebrations!

And one final anniversary wish to my wife, Sharlene. Happy 38^th, baby!

We all want a simple, straightforward way of improving our marriage. Well, here it is. 

So as not to plagiarize, let me give credit where credit is due and reference the rightful source of this ingeniously helpful advice. It comes from the one from whom every other good and helpful thing ultimately comes. 

Now it’s obvious. It comes from God, as He laid it out for us in His Word. 

Let me divulge this super helpful truth one piece at a time. Now the first piece is the word godliness. Godliness comes from the same Greek word (hagios) that usually translates to holiness. It means to be set apart by God for His purpose and with His presence. 

If you are a married person, God has set you apart. We know this because Jesus, referring to marriage, said What God has joined together, let no one separate (Matthew 19:6). Note what God has joined together. That implies that marriage is not only a human action, but also an act of God. He’s joining the couple together. That means that marriage, itself, is a setting apart of two people by God, for His purpose and with His presence. Therefore, Holy Matrimony is quite an apt term.

Since marriage is set apart – holy, sacred, hagios – it is Godly. If you’re married, your marriage is holy; God has set it apart to be like no other relationship.  (What God has joined together… Jesus said of marriage.) Marriage, by the virtue of the fact that God has set it apart is Godly. In that part of your life, there is Godliness. That’s the first piece of this truth. Now, for the second. 

The second piece is contentment. It’s quite logical that we should find contentment in what God has done with us. And if He’s joined us together, making us part of something holy, or Godly, then we should be able to find contentment in that state of holy matrimony. 

If we can have contentment with Godliness, we’re in a really good place.

Now, this last piece is the kicker, because God hasn’t said that being content with Godliness leads to improvement. He said that Godliness with contentment IS the improvement. As in so many cases as Christians, we already have what we want; we can stop looking to gain it; we already have it. We already have great gain, improvement; we just need to walk in it, recognize it, and be thankful for it.

So, here’s how to improve your marriage: be content with the reality that God has put you and your spouse together, setting you apart for a great Kingdom purpose that God says finding contentment in is the improvement. He uses the term great gain, but that’s simply another way of saying improvement.

Godliness with contentment is great gain – 1 Timothy 6:6

Be content with the God-given gift that is your marriage. That’s how to instantly improve your marriage.

If you’re in a situation where you’re being threatened, says conventional wisdom, you have two options: fight or flight.

 Likewise, if you’re in a marriage conflict, many say, you fall into one of two categories; you’re either a fighter (you tend to address the issue with your spouse) or a flight-er (you tend to avoid the issue). 

I’ve always had a problem accepting that those are the only two options. I see a third option. 

Isaiah Thomas once made a statement about Larry Bird that the media just knew would offend Larry. But when, in an interview, they told Larry what Isaiah had said, he had a surprising response. He said, “So what.”

He took no offense, but rather, resolved the potential conflict by disarming those who wanted to see a fight.

Jesus said that if we are angry with hatred with someone, we’re in a dangerous place. Always addressing heart issues, not just outward ones, Jesus encouraged His listeners to resolve issues in our hearts. 

When He was hanging on the cross, enduring excruciating torture that killed Him, He prayed for His executioners. He neither fought them, standing up for Himself, nor fled from them, avoiding the issue; He forgave them, setting them and Himself free from the issue.

If the innocent and perfect Son of God forgave those with whom He wasn’t friends, the ones murdering Him, shouldn’t we exercise this option with our very best friend, our spouse?

Are we limited to only two options, fight or flee? Is there a third and better option, to set self and spouse free by dealing with issues right there in our heart, not avoiding but resolving conflicts within ourselves without fighting?

How many conflicts can we preclude with quiet forgiveness? Isn’t freedom the best choice?

A Christian woman married to a Christian man carries a great advantage many may not know about.

It’s all about equality. Turns out God was way ahead of the modern era women’s rights movement, and as you would expect, His plan is far superior to anything humans could ever come up with. For starters, His plan has actually been implemented. 

Apparently, when you’re the Soveriegn Creator of the Universe, you don’t need anyone’s approval or cooperation; you just decree it and it’s established. So, God did something in the New Testament that’s been misunderstood by many of its readers. He decreed that women are neither inferior to, subservient to, nor less valuable than men. 

He stated through the quill of the Apostle Paul (Galatians 3:28) that in Christ…there is neither male nor female. All are one in Christ, He says, just as Jewish people and Gentile people and enslaved people and free people are one and loved and valued equally by God. 

Galatians 3:28 is the verse most would think of first on this issue, but there’s more, and it is more imbedded than it is chapter and verse, more code than plain. 

It’s in the terminology used, rather than a statement made.

Right there in the same chapter, the third chapter of Galatians, a little further up, God establishes that we are all sons of God. “Sons of God.” All of us, male and female.

Many Bible versions published since the 1970s changed it to “sons and daughters” to make it more gender-palatable to readers in our day.

But the reality is that being a son in God’s kingdom is better than being a daughter in any culture in earth’s history. 

What we must understand is that son is about position rather than a gender. In most ancient cultures, the ones the writers of Scripture were relating to, son’s received all the inheritance; daughters became partakers of whatever inheritance their husbands received, but usually received nothing from their own parents.

So, women in God’s kingdom fare much better than women throughout history. 

With this in mind, how do you think wives in God’s kingdom should be viewed, by themselves as well as their husbands?

To state it plainly, any Christian married couple who think the husband has more rights and privileges than the wife does are sorely misjudging their reality, misunderstanding the kingdom of which they are citizens, and don’t know well the God who is King of this Kingdom.

Hope contains three parts in its definition First, it’s future. We don’t hope for what we already have; it’s something in the future for which we hope. Second, it’s positive. It isn’t a negative we hope for, but something beneficial, desirable, positive. The third part will probably come as a surprise. It’s certain. We don’t think of hope as being certain, but rather something that may or may not get; we use it more like the word wish. 

First Corinthians, chapter thirteen describes agape-love. One of its descriptions of agape-love is that it always hopes. To me, that means that loving someone with unconditional love – agape-love – means that we always believe in them. 

For someone to believe so strongly in their spouse is very energizing for them, and I can speak from experience, gives them a confidence that’s practically superhuman. 

As I say, I’ve known the benefits of a wife who hopes in me. If I’m considering tackling something challenging, she encourages me to go for it; if I’m contemplating bailing out on something difficult, she urges me to stick with it because she believes I can succeed in it. 

When I fail, she’s surprised; when I succeed, she’s not. 

Every married person has the need for their spouse to believe in them. And it produces the kind of energy that takes risks and works hard to achieve worthwhile accomplishments that benefit the marriage and the whole family. 

So, I encourage spouses everywhere to do their best to always believe in their spouse. We all need it.

Anyone who wears glasses understands the importance of clean lenses. Lenses tarnished by dirt or fog can render our vision not only skewed, but even completely blocked. Glasses without clear lenses may be useless.

In Jesus’ earliest recorded public message He addressed the importance of accurate vision. Speaking figuratively, He said that a person’s vision blocked by a proverbial log in their eye makes them of no use in seeing ways they can help another person. 

To apply Jesus’ principle to a most useful scenario today, we could state it like this: A spouse whose vision is blocked by their own misjudgments cannot see how to help their spouse.

Some of the most problematic issues to our life-lenses are unforgiveness, resentment, bitterness and offense, all of which are closely related. 

If we went shopping for a product to clean such grimy film off our lenses, the multi-purpose product would be forgiveness. 

But forgiveness is often not easy. Just ask King Solomon. He wrote in Proverbs 18:19 that when we’ve offended someone – even someone close to us, like a sibling – it’s harder to win back their favor than it is to conquer a strong-walled, fortified city. 

Now, remember, a Christian married couple are brother and sister in Christ. Also remember that the walls of a fortified city in the ancient times of Solomon were the best and most effective defense technology of its day. 

Perhaps it’s that word – defense – wherein the problem lies. 

President Teddy Roosevelt’s motto for national defense was speak softly and carry a big stick. In other words, use diplomacy to prevent a war, but develop a strong military to prepare for the likelihood of one. 

Preventing problems and being prepared for their possible existence. Most of us hold to that policy when it comes to offense in our marriages. We try to avoid being offended, but we’re ready to fight if they do present themselves. 

A better plan would be to prevent and prepare by agape-love, the love that gives favor regardless of how one behaves, also known as grace. 

About agape-love, Paul wrote that it is patient (prevention) and that it keeps no record of wrongs (preparation). We find that description in 1 Corinthians 13, and in case I’m confusing you, let me state it this way: be patient with your spouse, regardless of what they do; and if they do something wrong, don’t let it be recorded in your mind. 

So, whether your spouses’ wrongs are in the past, present or future, you maintain a favorable view of them. You have clean glasses.

We who are believers/followers of Jesus are still on this earth because we’ve been deployed to fight against the enemy – the god (Satan) of this age (the time the earth exists) – for God’s kingdom. The world is our battlefield and when the King deems our deployment to be over, He calls us home (eternal Heaven). While we’re here, as Paul wrote to Timothy, we shouldn’t get caught up in the affairs of this foreign culture. We must stay focused on the business and mission of our King. 

We who are married are on a special assignment. We’re assigned to a particular zone in this foreign land, the marriage zone.

The marriage zone requires special training and equipment. Its mission is to demonstrate the love of God in a very special way. Marriage is a microcosm of the God-humanity relationship and those held captive in the enemy culture who witness it can better understand what they’re invited to join – a kingdom of love and grace. 

Loving our spouse is the most powerful weapon in the war. It defeats the enemy and offers freedom to the captives. When we oppose our spouse and divide ourselves against them, we are playing into the enemy’s hands and working against spouse, marriage, God, His kingdom and ourselves.

Let us be faithful here. We don’t have long. God will call us home soon and our mission window will close. May we leave for home having fought the good fight and served our King well. 

Once we’re home, our deployment complete, we’re in a culture where marriage no longer exists. A married couple during our deployment, my wife and I are now eternally brother-sister who glorify God in a now different way – through perpetual praise. We celebrate our King, our victory, our eternal life and all the benefits we enjoyed, in addition to those in eternity, during our deployment, including the assignment of fighting and winning the marriage war together.

To all you married couples: Thank you for your service!