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There aren’t many ways for which I can point to myself as the model. And even for this one my wife would not agree that I am.

The fact is that she and I are incompatible when it comes to shopping. Either one or both of us ends up dissatisfied when we shop together. 

I admit that she’s smarter and wiser that I am, and that she usually is the one who’s right when we disagree. 

But when it comes to shopping, I think I have the better approach. 

Here’s the difference:

Once we’ve found what we’re looking for, she wants to look further and I want to make the purchase and get out of the store. 

Her argument has some validity: we may find an even better bargain. But mine says: we’ve found what we came for; let’s move on. 

My point in all this isn’t to pick a fight with my wife, especially publicly. It’s to make an application to marriage. And I know she’ll agree with it. 

The whole shopping thing is just laying the groundwork for an analogy. You probably know where I’m going with this.

Once you’ve found your mate, stop shopping. 

This seems like a no-brainer, but there are those who don’t shift out of shopping mode once they’re married. And the spirit that hates God and all His ways and His creation beckons us all to keep searching for what we already have. Don’t be content with what God has provided, it says, but look around and see what else there may be. Isn’t that pretty much what the serpent said to Eve? She and Adam had been provided the most complete garden ever, yet they decided to shop for the forbidden. 

Husbands and wives of our age have the same enemy that attacked with lies in that ancient garden, and he still uses the same alluring invitation: look over here. It’s even better than what God has provided. 

But it isn’t, it never was and it never will be. 

Now I may still lose the shopping debate; I wouldn’t be surprised, given my history, but we all win when we choose to be content with what God has provided. And in case you don’t see your spouse as the one God provided, remember Jesus’ words, whatever God has joined together let no person separate. If you’re married, His will for you is to be married to your current spouse. Pray for help and be content with loving your spouse. 

And no more shopping!

Hubbies, I’m about to do you a huge favor. No thanks necessary or compensation in any form, just enjoy the gift.

There’s a reason you’ve been frustrated with your sex life, or more accurately, the lack thereof. Your wife needs you to check all the boxes before she can cooperate with your hopes and dreams of having sex. Here’s the checklist:

Foundational. These are the factors that need to be in place long before you decide to make your move. They’re who you are as a person, the qualities your wife saw in you from the beginning, somehow – whether in the form of potential or demonstration – and you need to live out that vision she has of that best person you can be. 

1. An Admirable Man. Are your character, mentality and attitude soundly Godly, compassionate, determined and uncompromising in your work ethic and your treatment of others, especially your wife and children? If not, you have to begin today building that kind of foundation. If you’re in good shape in that department, great. A wife is turned on by her husband’s life style of demonstrating admirable qualities.

2. A History of a Considerate Sex Life. Your wife’s response to your romantic advances come from her filtering them through the history you’ve built with her from past times of sexual intimacy. How selfish or unselfish you’ve been, not how impressive your physical prowess or skill is or isn’t, is what most influences her response.

Recent History. I mean your very recent history. Like in the past twenty-four, forty-eight, or ninety six hours at the most, how considerate, sacrificial, kind and gentle you’ve been contributes to your wife’s mood and emotional outlook even more than her hormonal and bio-feminine factors.

3. Fatigue. Your wife knows how energetic or exhausted she is, and why she is one or the other. If you’ve contributed to her having energy, you’ll both enjoy your time together. But if her exhaustion is because of you – or if you haven’t even noticed that she is exhausted – enjoyment is off the table for both of you. 

4. The State of the Home. Your wife has to be at peace with how things are, from the laundry and kitchen to the bank account, from the kids to the neighbors. If anything is in disarray or in unresolved trouble, she can’t relax. If she can’t relax, she isn’t free to be intimate with you. 

Final Moments. In the final moments leading up to your intimate time, don’t blow it. If you’ve checked all the boxes up to this point, all you have to do is love your wife unselfishly, consider everything you know about her and try to make this a very happy moment for her. 

5. Push the Right Buttons. You know your wife well enough to know what to do and what not to do. Make sure it’s all about her peace, joy and satisfaction. Continue to pay as much, or more, attention to her emotional pleasure as to her physical pleasure. 

6. Enjoy the Moment. Believe it or not, your wife is pleased by knowing she pleases you. Don’t keep that a secret from her. Celebrate your mutual pleasure together in a tasteful way. This will also pay dividends in the future as it contributes to the history you two have together, adding to a pattern of a very positive sex life. 

Again, gentlemen, no need to thank me. Just enjoy your wife and your marriage!

Sometimes, when I officiate wedding ceremonies, I’ll include this statement in the vows:

I vow to do my best to make it easy for you to love me

The idea is that, even though we’re called by God to love our spouse with agape-love (the love that requires nothing in advance or in return, that we give regardless of circumstances), it’s best if we don’t keep them in a position of having to love us in response to unpleasant conditions, if we  provide for them traits and behaviors for which they’re thankful and by which they’re inspired, even to which they’re attracted. 

It contributes greatly to our sense of feeling secure to have a spouse who we will love us no matter what. But it’s also nice for them to carry traits that are pleasant, inspiring and desirable.  

So, I think it’s best if each spouse will commit to love with agape love while helping their spouse live as happily as possible. 

I don’t like the statement, I left my spouse because I wasn’t happy. But I love the statement, I want to do everything possible to make my spouse happy. 

If my goal is for my spouse to be happy, rather than to be happy, myself, I’ll be a good spouse. And the marriage with two good spouses, both of them endeavoring to make the other happy, is a very good marriage.

So, here’s the dare: I dare you to ask your spouse, How can I make you happy, so you don’t have to love me with only agape love, but have gratitude, inspiration and attraction concerning me as your spouse?

That’s the Spouse Question. Encourage them to be completely honest; and be ready, yourself to be challenged by their response. 

Take the dare and see if your marriage isn’t transformed.

Open Letter to my oldest daughter, Kristin, whom we call Kwi:

Dear Kwi,

Your nickname, Kwi, came about because, when you were three and four years old, you did everything so fast, you had trouble pronouncing your Rs (Kwistin, you’d call yourself), and you were so energetic, that I dubbed you Kwick-kwick. You were the fastest kid in your soccer league, and you could even outrun your older brother. Well Quick-quick was eventually shortened to Kwi. 

What a joy it was seeing you move with such energy and speed. The only problem was that, since you were always on the move, I rarely got a good look at you. I’d watch you sleep sometimes because it was the only time you were still. 

When you were older, we enrolled you in a dance program called Glory Academy of Fine Arts (GAFA). We wanted you to gain the poise and composure dance could offer you in carrying yourself with grace. Well it worked, but you saw dance as more than an exercise in poise. You loved dance – all the disciplines, but especially hip-hop – and poured yourself into it and became the top dancer in the academy. 

You’ve repeatedly won the Tew Crew Funniest Award, voted on by the Tew Crew members, because of your advanced sense of humor. And that’s nothing to sneeze at (or laugh at), since our family is filled with hilarious people. It’s such an awesome thing to be able to laugh with my daughter, and you always provide plenty of humor when we’re together. 

Since you’ve grown into a mature adult woman and professional, we all know you as someone with extraordinary organizational skills. I, myself, have brought you projects that had become overwhelmingly confusing and asked you to help me get them into a manageable system, and you’ve applied your talent to bring order to them, much to my amazement and gratitude. How proud I am when I watch you operate with such a gift!

And now you’re 33 years old. Unbelieveable! Seems like yesterday you were only 3 and I was trying to get a bead on the blur flashing by that was you. 

I wrote in my journal 29 years ago of my sadness that you had finally learned to pronounce your little brother’s name correctly. You could now say Jacob, and Butcheck would never come from your lips again. I cried, I remember. And still I am crying now.

All the experiences – happy and sad, good and bad – continue to culminate into your story, and I’m so thankful to be a part of it. 

Happy birthday, Kwi! I love you and I’m so proud to be your dad!

This weekend is my wife’s birthday. We’ll be celebrating her, but I want to share with our readers some thoughts to honor her on her special day.

Sharlene was born into a home with Godly parents who were also entrepreneurial and committed to excellence in everything they did. 

Sharlene and her three siblings are all products of the family culture with strength in the areas of organization, leadership, business and service. 

Sharlene has been a blessing to me in more ways than I can list, but it’s obvious to me that she was hand-crafted by God to be a wife, mother and grandmother. She’s known to our nine grandchildren as Lolli, and if there’s one thing I’m dissatisfied with about Lolli it’s that she gets more grandkid attention than I do.

I had a major stroke in 2020. I lost the ability to open the fingers on my left hand and the ability to sing. Sharlene helped me through the difficult days of my recovery at home, making me more thankful than ever for her compassion for me. 

I’ve been a singer-songwriter for most of my adult life. In 2019, the year before my singing and keyboard skills would come to an end, I wrote some songs for my family and did a backyard concert for them. 

I wrote two songs for Sharlene. One, her namesake, was a fun, light-hearted one. Here it is:

I also wrote her serious song, called The One for Me. Watch it here:

I look forward to celebrating Sharlene on August 29^th, a day that (I won’t give the year.) will go down in history as the birth of one of the greatest wife-mom-Lolli’s in all of history.

Happy Birthday, Lolli! I hope your day is half the blessing to you that you are to us!

My son, Jacob, turns 31 in a couple days. I want to take this space to honor him on his special day. 

So our readers can gain something useful for their own character-building, I’ll share some of Jacob’s qualities; if we adopt them, we’ll be better people.

All Heart. From the time he was a little kid, Jake has always had an intensity about him, and he still has it. Whatever he does, he does it with laser focus and a lot of emotion. As an athlete (at age twelve, he ranked 24^th in the nation in the floor event as a gymnast, was later an excellent high school basketball player and a college golfer) Jacob was so much fun to watch, for his parents, yes, but also for spectators in general. He graduated college with honors, earning a Bachelor’s degree in Business Administration.

But here’s the most impressive (and unusual) thing about his intensity quality. As he moved into a different phase in life, he applied that intensity to his relationship with God and with his family. Now a husband, father and insurance professional, he goes at his current life’s goals with the same passion that he used to apply to his student-athlete life. Many who were athletes when younger are never able to apply their lessons learned to more important pursuits, living in their past glory days but not having an equivalent current day focus and passion. I’m very impressed that Jacob has distanced himself from that trend. He still has a lot of heart. It’s just a heart for things of greater maturity and significance now.

Generosity-Driven. Who can say this? Anytime I’ve been with my son (when he was aged 26 to 30) he’s paid for everything: meals, events, gas, etc. That’s true of Jacob. And it isn’t that his income has been massive; it’s that he prepares and positions himself to be ready for opportunities to be generous. He’s slept in his car on business trips, instead of spending money on lodging, and not for any purpose but to be prepared for opportunities to be generous. 

And it isn’t just money that Jake invests in others, but his time and energy, as well. And it isn’t just Jake who gives so freely of time and efforts, but his wife, Karissa, is in lock step with him in this way. The two of them are as generous as any couple I know. My wife and I – and Karissa’s parents – are very proud of the way those two live their lives. And their kids (two boys, so far) are likely to be the same kind of people, with such wonderful models as Jake and Karissa. 

Magnetically Humble. Jesus said the meek’s blessing will be that they inherit the earth. The Greek word used for earth there is oikoumene, which most often refers to the inhabitants of the world, people. The way it works is that humility (meekness) is such an attractive quality that people are drawn to those who have it. Thus, meek, humble people inherit a following in a very organic process. 

I see people gravitate toward Jacob, and I believe it’s because of the humility with which he carries himself through life. It’s probably how he won the heart of his beautiful wife. 😊

These are three of the qualities I celebrate in Jacob on his 31^st birthday. And may we all absorb his example and be better people because of him. 

Happy Birthday, Jacob!!!

This is the week of my mother’s birthday. She’d be eighty-six; she left us for her eternal home more than eleven years ago. 

I confess that I didn’t understand her full value and positive impact (I probably still don’t – maybe never will) until she was gone. With her missing from the earth now, I often find myself reflecting on the way she used quiet moments to teach me and help me know God. She actually had a way of creating quiet moments, even amid the noises of life. 

As a parent and grandparent, my eyes are ever open to opportunities to impact my kids and grandkids the way my mom did. I confess, I’m not as good at it as she was, but at least I have something to shoot for. 

In case you’re interested, here are some things she accomplished with her whispers:

She taught me to be still and know God. I can’t tell you how many times I was in turmoil, nearly always self-inflicted, when she would move in close to get my attention and softly ask a thought-provoking question, like, “Have you asked God what He thinks about it?”

She taught me to be genuine. Mama played the piano and taught two of my sisters and me to harmonize, perform well for an audience and carry ourselves with an air of professionalism. I feel safe in saying that we were pretty good. We often won contests and were generally known and acknowledged as making beautiful music.

Sometimes, when we were practicing, she would stop and say, “Make sure you mean what you’re singing, It ain’t worth a flip if you don’t sing it from your heart.” She’d speak it softly, but her meaning was loud and clear. It seemed trite at the time. But when I went on to earn a degree in music, and even sing professionally for a time, I took that lesson with me as it echoed in my heart many times during my practice and performances. 

She taught me to be humble. It isn’t easy to teach someone to have confidence and meekness at the same time. Nor does everybody have a knack for inspiring ambition while having you keep a down-to-earth mentality. Mama would do that by reminding me of that truth with the simple statement, “Everything good about you was a gift from God, so make sure He’s pleased with you.”

To be honest, those lessons didn’t take, since I didn’t have ears to hear them, until probably ten or twelve years after she spoke them. Truthfully, I’m still learning them today. 

I can still hear my mother’s whispers. And how powerful they are! Thank you, Mama, and happy heavenly birthday!

If something is holy, that means it’s set apart by God, with God and for God. 

It was God who came up with the idea of humans enjoying sex together. That covers the by God piece. 

God intended and intends that He be included in, not left out, of sex. Obviously not in a physical sense, but He wants His design for sex to be acknowledged and followed. That’s the with God part.

God has a purpose for sex, more than one, actually. Its most obvious purpose is procreation, but that’s not all. Apart from conceiving children, sex between a husband and wife connects them, unifies them, in the most intimate way possible. Not only are they physically intimate during sex, but through sex they also create an extremely strong bond mentally, emotionally and spiritually, the kind God wants a married couple to have. With this bond comes an intense level of joy and satisfaction.  

A husband and wife experiencing this God-designed fulfillment are closer to each other than any two people can be. 

As I say, holy means to be set apart by, with and for God. If a someone gets off track in their sex life, they’ve perverted it; it’s turned in the wrong direction (per = completely; vert = turn). They can correct it by repenting, which means to turn in the right direction. (re = again; pent = turn). So sexual perversion is turning away from God’s design for sex, and to turn back to His design produces fruit of repentance. 

You may think that holy sex can’t include what perverted sex does. While that’s true, holy sex is more about what it includes than what it’s missing. 

God prefers that sex would occur in a process where it’s preceded by some important things. These things are like foreplay, but in a broader sense. Here they are:

1. Christian Fellowship. Fellowship means having something important in common. Before having sex, the first thing is to determine if you’re compatible spiritually, to see if you’re fellows in Christ.
2.  Friendship. To jump into bed without building a friendship first means you’re opting for a shallow, carnal relationship, missing important non-sexual things for an intimate relationship.
3. Covenant. Skipping covenant means the relationship is devoid of commitment, dedication and loyalty. These virtues do far more than keeping one person from ending the relationship; they also establish a sense of confidence so they can enjoy sex on a bed of peace and security.

So, when we don’t leave out what God intended to be included, we’re preparing for a better sex life. That’s how we keep sex holy. 

Delegating is when you give another some degree of your authority and/or responsibility to be used on your behalf.

Most often, we think of delegation in the business world or in the political world. A company delegates to its leaders the authority to carry out the responsibility it also delegates to them. A political party or government entity delegates to its delegates the authority to act on its behalf by voting, lobbying or governing as its proxy.

Parents also delegate some of their authority and responsibility to those who can contribute to the training up of their children. 

Here are four principles to keep in mind when delegating some of your parental responsibilities. 

1. Values are inseparably a part of education. I’ve heard people say many times that schools shouldn’t be teaching values. They should leave that up to parents, they say, and not teach kids what to believe about the science of origins, the perspective to take on God, history and general worldview. But to expect educators to teach students from a place of presenting facts only without their values seeping through is unrealistic. The examples, illustrations and subject matter that are inevitably a part of teaching even subjects like math and history come from choices educators make as a part of their decision-making process in teaching. It’s impossible to separate themselves from their own personal worldview as they make those decisions, so their teaching will include their values. 

2. Values in education are determined by the party funding the education. If parents want to place their kids in a school that will teach them the parents’ values, they must choose a school that aligns with their worldview. If you hold strongly to a Creation science worldview, public school may not be the best choice for you. If your perspective is strongly Protestant or evangelical, it’s unlikely that a Catholic school will match up with what you want your child to understand and believe. 

3. Every individual school in a school system is unique. Don’t assume that every school within a particular system is the same. The faculty and administration in one public school may have a strong pattern of Christian faith, while the personnel in a school a neighborhood or two away in the same system may be very different. And the group of parents and families within a school is also an important consideration. 

4. The more a school differs in values from the parents, the more involved the parents need to be with their child. However different or alike the parents and the school are in their worldview and values, parents should never wipe their hands of their kid’s education; delegating it wholesale to the educational institution robs parents of the irreplaceable influence their child needs from them. On one level, parents must clarify for the child the disparity between what they’re being taught at school and what parents want to help them understand and believe. And perhaps even more important is the parent-child connection that happens in the teaching and training process. Effective parents cannot afford to sacrifice that, as it pays dividends for the duration of the child’s life; the parent-child connection is irreplaceable, and serves as a massive part of the child’s lifelong personality, not to mention the all-important parent-child relationship for the duration of their lives.

I’ve written referring almost exclusively to a conventional schooling arrangement. But two more points I’d like to make:

1. Homeschooling gives the parents more control in shaping the child’s worldview than any other approach to education. Not every parent or every child is cut out for homeschooling, but parents should at least consider the option. 
2. The delegation principles also apply to extracurricular decisions, like sports, the arts, etc.

Parents, I hope you find these helpful. If you’d like to have further discussion about it, please reach out to me by email with your thoughts at gabrieltew@gabrieltew.com.

This weekend is the birthday of my oldest child, our son, Sidney, whom we call Tres. This video was seven years ago. 

Since then, he’s become father to three boys. We’re very proud of him, a Godly husband, father, son and professional.

Happy birthday, Tres! As I’ve told you for thirty-seven years now, I’m glad you’re my son!