Author: gabrieltew

King Solomon wrote that there is a time for everything. We read this in Ecclesiastes 3 and Solomon included a list of activities for which there is a time. He didn’t include in the list that there’s a time to be selfish, but I believe there is. 

You may disagree, off hand, but let me explain. 

One of my favorite movies is The Notebook. In this movie, Noah loves Allie and wants her to marry him. Allie is torn because she has feelings for both Noah and another guy. Noah challenges Allie to consider only what she wants, not what Noah, the other guy, Allie’s parents or anybody else wants. Allie has trouble with this because she doesn’t want to hurt any of the people in her life. 

But Noah presses her. “What do YOU want?” To Allie, it isn’t that simple; she can’t just be selfish.

I agree with Noah in this situation. I believe this is the one time in a person’s life when it’s necessary to be selfish. 

Before the plane takes off, passengers have to sit through the instructions. Before helping someone else, be sure to secure your own oxygen mask. 

There it is, an example of the necessity of a moment of selfishness.

If you’re single and trying to decide whom you’ll be with for life, this is your moment to be selfish. 

My advice is to be prayerful about it, being sure to seek God’s direction. And with His direction, decide what it is that you want. 

Enjoy this moment, because you can’t carry it into a marriage. In marriage, selfishness is not your friend. So, recognize the time to be selfish, make your decision, and then put your spouse’s needs before your own for the rest of your marriage. 

In Solomon’s list we see statements of poetic contrast; for example, there is a time to kill and a time to heal. Likewise, there is a time to be selfish and a time to put others’ needs above our own. 

It may help to remember that the time to be selfish is brief, compared to the time to not be. 

Of supreme importance is getting the selfish and selfless seasons in their proper places. To choose a marriage partner based on what others want would be as much of a mistake as always putting yourself first in your marriage.

But whether you’re currently in it or not, personally, there is a time to be selfish.

What do these three have in common? Several things. For one thing, me. I’m training for a marathon, writing my first novel and married to my wife, Sharlene, for more than thirty-seven years now. 

Another common element is that they all require perseverance. A marathon involves about 70,000 steps; a novel is about 140,000 words; and a thirty-eight-year marriage equals almost 14,000 days. Each step, each word, each day is critical. Each one is a risk, and each one is also an opportunity.

Here are some things I’ve learned in my marathon prep and writing life that also apply to marriage. 

• Start. Don’t Stop. Finish. One morning I ran a half marathon before work. I started my run at 4:00 a.m., knowing it would take me nearly three hours. (My pace is pretty slow.) The thought came to my mind, it doesn’t matter what happens in the next three hours – blisters, fatigue, pain, road surface, weather, anything – I’m just running. I’m not stopping, no matter what, until I reach the 13.1-mile point. My thoughts had to be consumed with one idea: run; just run.

There’s a scene in one of my very favorite movies, Cinderella Man, in which the comeback fighter’s manager scales everything down to one word. With all the pressures, opportunities and risks, the manager reveals the solution to all fighter Jim Braddock’s problems. The solution is one word: win. In the course of writing my two previous books, Brilliant Faith and Interwoven Love, I’ve often settled my thoughts on one single instructive word for myself: write. You’ll never publish a book without the daily discipline of opening up the computer and writing; it’s just that simple. 

In marriage, it’s often helpful to settle on a single word. The word may be a different one from one season to another; it may be love, it could be forgive, listen or simply stay.

• It’s Hard. I have a friend, Willy Pascua, who recently ran a double marathon; that’s 52.4 miles. Fascinated, I picked Willy’s brain about such a feat. His simple answer to me was, running’s hard. He said that, even though he’d run that very long distance, he still found it hard running a 5k. It’s just hard, Willy said, on the human body to run. I found comfort in the words of this retired U.S. Marine Corps Master Gunnery Seargeant, hearing a super hero admit that something I find difficult is also difficult to him. 

A conversation writers often have is about the many obstacles to completing a major writing project, like publishing a novel. Author and Director of the annual Blue Ridge Mountains Christian Writer’s Conference, Edie Melson, writes a very helpful daily blog, to which I subscribe, that often targets one of the many common challenges for writers. The common thread running through every solution Edie gives is: don’t be thrown off by the surprise that writing is hard; just stay with it. 

Married couples often find themselves in trouble by the element of surprise. They didn’t anticipate the difficulties that awaited them a few weeks, months or years into their marriage. 

There’s a saying: you can’t prepare for war. The reason that’s true is that, while you can train for war, you can’t duplicate it; trainees would die if they used real war to train for real war. So, inevitably, warriors will be met by surprise. 

Marriage is similar. A couple can do their best to think through, talk through, and pray through every marriage scenario they can fathom, but they can’t imagine all the situations they’ll find themselves facing as a married couple. One of the best things newlyweds can do is expect to be surprised. Fairy tales are not their friend; naiveté is their enemy. If you’re someone in the midst of marriage difficulty, perhaps you can find comfort in knowing that every married couple, at times, finds marriage difficult.

Marriage, like running and writing, has its challenges; but, like those two pursuits, it also has its rewards. May God help us learn these and other lessons and apply them to our all-important marriages.

I recently went on a ten-day mission trip to Ecuador. I had many cool experiences on the trip, but perhaps the most edifying to me was the example set by our team leader. I saw in our leader, Justin Huber, several traits I want to adopt as a husband-leader in my marriage.

Justin was the following for our team and I want to maintain these traits for my wife.

• Quietly Proactive. As our team rode the bus to our ministry destinations, Justin was usually quiet. He may interact with team members, but usually almost unnoticeably. As we neared the places where we would do ministry, it became apparent that Justin had spent the bus ride reviewing the schedule and team assignments and gathering his thoughts for communicating final instructions to the team. What if I provide such quiet, strong leadership for my wife and household? 

• Attentive in Listening. Even with all the responsibilities of leading the team, Justin took the time to give his full attention to whatever person needed to speak with him. He didn’t kind of listen while he did other things. He stopped everything and focused on nothing but the person speaking to him. Of course, he was able to do this because he had invested his time in quiet, proactive preparation. What if I become this kind of listener to my wife?

• Engaging with Laughter. Justin genuinely laughed with someone as he connected with them. It wasn’t courtesy laughter; Justin found truly funny the comical thing the person was saying to him. He meshed with them with one of the most powerful links for interpersonal connection: humor. What if I take every opportunity to belly-laugh with my wife?

• Gentle in Approach. Justin would often approach individuals to discuss something. He would always approach them with a light touch, a soft word and kind tone. His approach made them want to respond by helping in whatever way they could.

• Prepared for Protection. As meek and humble as Justin always carried himself., there was one instance in which he expressed his strength in a different way. One of our team members – a lady – was about to get off the bus and go into a place of business alone. Another team member jokingly said, “Be careful; don’t get mugged.” Justin’s almost uncharacteristic reply was, “It would be a very bad decision for someone to attack her (our team member).” Justin is a retired Marine Corps Lieutenant Colonel. Everyone on the bus knew he was capable of backing up his words, as we processed the shock of such bold words coming from the mouth of our unassuming leader. What if I was so gung ho to protect my wife in any way she may need it?

The kind of leadership God desires in His kingdom, including our marriages, is sometimes surprising. What if I adopted these surprising methods? I bet my wife would be surprised.

Whatever your situation, there’s a lesson from God’s Word to apply to it. 

We’re very fortunate that marriage principles aren’t limited to the ones found in the Scriptures that explicitly mention marriage. Those are adequate for gaining a foundational understanding of marriage; but there’s a vast sea of treasure troves in the Bible, principles with nearly infinite applications. It seems practically every Scripture passage pertains to marriage in some way.

One such passage is 1 Timothy 6:6 Now Godliness with contentment is great gain. There isn’t space to tackle the whole verse here, so let’s just zero in the on the idea of contentment.  

Content as a noun means something that is contained. We usually add an s to it to refer to all things contained within a vessel; the contents of bottle or can include all the ingredients within. If our life is the vessel, its contents are all things in our current situation.

To be content as a Jesus-follower means we’re ok with our current situation. We may pray and work for growth and improvement, but we’re still ok with where God has us currently. That’s contentment.

Applying the principle and 1 Timothy 6:6 to marriage, it is great gain to be ok with the current situation in our marriage.

Now, if someone is a victim of infidelity or abuse, of course they aren’t content in their marriage. But other circumstances (contents), like troubles common to every married couple we can still be content with because contentment is ultimately found in God and we know He is bigger than any issue, marital or otherwise.

So, we choose to be ok with the current situation of our marriage. This is the contentment principle of 1 Timothy 6:6 applied to marriage. God is so very good. His Word is good. And marriage His way is very good.

For the relationship between husband and wife, God has provided the ideal model. Jesus Christ is the model for the husband and His church serves as the wife’s. 

To discover very specific treasures in our New Testament archetype we can peer beyond the surface of the Christ-church relationship to the lessons Jesus taught His followers during His days of earthly ministry.

One such lesson comes from the words Whoever has ears, let them hear. Jesus used this phrase when He wanted to alert listeners to a truth hidden within a parable. It would take more than casual listening, way more than sound waves entering the ear canal. This kind of hearing demanded intense concentration, opening the mind to process every possible literal and figurative meaning the words could have and settle on the one intended in the story. 

There are a few things to consider as we apply this concept to marriage.

1. For Your Ears Only. Just as Jesus reserved some lessons for His followers, spouses open parts of their hearts for their spouse, and only their spouse. Jesus used parables for the purpose of hiding ideas. Things are hidden both from and for, to shield them from outsiders and avail them for the intended. Jesus laid a layer of story around his lessons to protect them from wolves, then explained them to His sheep, but He loved it when His sheep listened so well that they understood without explanation.

A husband or wife loves it when their spouse hears their deeper heart through the outer layers that conceal their innermost needs. While they’re willing to spoon feed their understanding if necessary, there’s a special warmth of heart that comes when their spouse gets what’s been hidden for them because they’re listening closely.

It can be frustrating, especially for an oblivious husband like I’ve been at times, when it feels like the spouse is hiding it from you and expecting you to still find it. But this kind of hearing can be developed, and it’s a very satisfying skill to grow into, for both the growing spouse and the one wanting to be heard.

2. Seek and you shall find. Jesus made this promise concerning His kingdom in His most widely known sermon. Like all His principles, it has multiple applications, not the least being to spouses finding their spouse’s heart. This principle takes all the pressure off the outcome. The burden of success is carried by the seeking. In our context, we could say, listen and you shall hear. What makes it so special for the married couple is that a spouse finds satisfaction in knowing their spouse wants to know their heart and is intently pursuing it. 

So, the seeker (listener) finds success in the process, and so does the one sought (listened to). Notwithstanding, though, is the guaranteed outcome, for Jesus’ promise is not empty; the seeker of heaven will find it, and by the same token, the listener of the spouse will eventually hear their spouse’s heart. 

3. Love and give. Ephesians 5 includes the husband’s directive toward his wife to, like Christ, love her and give himself for her. Lest we’re tempted to assign this responsibility solely to the husband, we must acknowledge in the wife’s assignment the impossibility of submitting without loving and giving.

Loving and giving show up out of necessity in listening and hearing. The ears that can truly hear will deaden themselves to all the enemy’s sounds…your spouse doesn’t mean well…they’re being selfish…they don’t hear you, why hear them, instead, giving ear to the drums of grace…be patient and you’ll see their good heart…give them the benefit of the doubt…hear their heart because they love you.

No matter how long we’re married or how long we walk with God, we’re never going to not need to love and give. It’s the way of the cross and the cross leads us all the way home at the end of our journey. And the cross won’t disappoint on our marriage journey, either.

So, do we have ears to hear our spouse’s heart? In other words, do we have marriage ears? May God give them to us, that we may hear our spouse’s heart.

Imagine this. You’re visiting another planet. On this planet are beings much like the humans on earth. The most common topic of conversation is an animal they call vole. Few have seen a vole, and then only from a great distance and only in the dark. A few others have smelled the scent of the vole and still fewer others have heard the sound of its call. None has ever experienced a vole except with great limitations. 

What most know of the vole came by hearsay, secondhand information from those few who have experienced it in one of the very limited ways. Yet, everyone is obsessed with the vole; there are songs and stories about it and everybody longs to experience it in some way. 

As your time on the planet is nearly over, you realize that what its inhabitants find so intriguing about the vole is the mystery surrounding it. You wonder if their obsession will ever be satisfied. 

Your last day on the planet you discover a book written by the creator of the vole. The book was  written in an ancient language and has been translated into the planet’s current language. As you read you see footnotes indicating that there were four different animal names in the ancient language, all of which were translated into the modern word vole. 

You begin to understand that this situation is similar to earth’s, in that the species wolf, fox, hyena and coyote are all canine. Upon your return to earth, you realize an even more similar situation to that planet’s vole, humans’ view and treatment of love.   

You reach earth with a new perspective. Your first night back, you make the following journal entry:

There’s a way in which our world shows its utter ignorance. It knows less about love than any other subject, yet it talks about it more than any other subject. By “talks about” I mean expresses it in various ways, like art forms (entertainment platforms), literature, social media and private and public speech. Its expression is too vague to help anyone, yet everyone is obsessed with it. 

As my upcoming book, Interwoven Love, communicates, there are four types of love, each coming from a Greek word: Agape (Divine love requiring nothing in return), Phileo (Friendship love), Storge (Family love) and eros (sexual, sensual love) The only relationship that includes all four is marriage. The most important one is agape, which is best described in 1 Corinthians 13. 

1 Corinthians 13:4-8 Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered,  It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.

The following is an excerpt from my book, Interwoven Love, to be published later this year.

In the early 1800s, boxing was a different sport than we know it to be today. It was called pugilism and was much more brutal and violent; fighters didn’t wear gloves and were allowed to grapple as well as strike. There were no weight classes, no maximum number of rounds, no TKOs or decisions made by judges; fights were fought until one of the competitors was unable to continue. One such fight was held in England between John Rutledge and James Sax. Sax outweighed Rutledge by nearly fifty pounds and was far more skilled and experienced. 

The fight began with a right hook by Sax that sent Rutledge to the canvas; after the fight, Rutledge told newspaper reporters that the first punch knocked the breath out of him and it felt like every bone he had was rattled. After the first round, Rutledge told his trainer he couldn’t go on, but the trainer convinced him to go out for one more round. 

In round two, Rutledge took a terrible beating that broke his nose and cracked several ribs. Rutledge again told his manager he couldn’t continue, but again his trainer convinced him to just fight one more round. 

Rounds three, four and five saw Sax knock Rutledge down twice in each round, the battered fighter almost unable to get to his feet after each knockdown. Rutledge argued to not continue each time he came to his corner, but his persistent trainer persuaded him to just fight the next round. This went on for twenty-seven rounds

After twenty-seven rounds of being brutally assaulted, Rutledge came to the end of himself; with broken ribs, a broken nose, jaw and eye socket, he couldn’t continue, and his trainer agreed. 

But when the bell rang to begin round twenty-eight, John stood, not to fight but to leave the ring; however, as soon as Rutledge stood, the referee waved his arms and shouted, “This fight is over!” 

John and his trainer were both surprised, neither having notified the referee of Rutledge’s inability to continue. At that moment, the referee pointed to the opponent’s corner and shouted, “Mr. Sax is unable to continue! Mr. Rutledge is the winner!”

This is a fictional story with made up characters; a Google search will verify that. 

It goes to show that, if we’ll just keep fighting, our enemy will flee, like James 4:7 says. Who knows but that our perseverance will lead us to victory, even when we feel defeated. Never give up.

First of all, an apology if you’ve ever said any of these things. I shouldn’t call you or your words stupid, maybe foolish is more appropriate. I decided to use stupid in the title because it would likely grab more attention than foolish would and more people would decide to read it. 

There are just three sayings I want to address. They’re kind of pet peeves of mine. 

1.You don’t deserve forgiveness. This exposes someone’s complete ignorance of what forgiveness is. Just break down the word forgive, and you see its literal meaning. Give means you offer something to someone from whom you haven’t received something and from whom you neither expect or require something. Then, as if give isn’t clear enough, the prefix for– (from the old word fore) is included. Fore means in advance. It has to do with something occurring ahead of its due time, or being situated in front, as compared with something else. So, to forgive means to award something in advance of when it is deserved or ahead of the time of its compensation.  If someone owes you $10,000 and you decide to forgive the debt, that means you aren’t requiring them to pay the debt; you’re essentially giving them the $10,000 and awarding the cancellation of the debt in advance of their paying it off. It works the same with any debt, real or perceived. If someone has wronged you and you forgive them, you’re giving them your cancellation of their making it up to you; you’re freeing them. They didn’t earn it and never will. You’re forgiving them.

2. You deserve it. This statement is thrown around a lot when it isn’t true. I admit, there are situations when people are deserving. For example, I agree with the US Declaration of Independence’s claim that all people, being created equal, deserve to have life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. My problem is when people assume entitlement not rightfully theirs. People say things like I deserve to be happy. Really? You deserve for all people and everything in the universe to align for your happiness? And if you deserve to be happy (not merely the opportunity to pursue your version of happiness), doesn’t everyone else? Do you realize how complicated it would be for everyone to be happy with nobody messing up the happiness of anyone else? Even Jesus, Himself, didn’t set out to make everyone happy; He thought it a better idea that we all shoot for pleasing God and accept the gift of abundant life He offers. And, ironically, this life He offers comes by grace, which means we don’t earn or deserve it; rather, we receive it by faith in His Son Jesus.

3. Love isn’t enough. I’ve heard some very wise people say this about marriage, and I completely disagree. Of course, the first problem is that love has so many meanings, leaving us using one word to represent different things. I do agree that emotional love isn’t enough to sustain a marriage. However, if we’re using the agape-love of 1^st Corinthians 13, love will always be enough; the fact is that love is so comprehensive that it includes everything we need. Consider these descriptive statements of agape-love: is patient…is kind…does not envy…does not boast…is not self-seeking…keeps no record of wrongs…always perseveres…never fails. If we have this kind of love, regardless of the relationship, whether marriage or another type, we’ll find that love is absolutely enough. Agape-love being the love God has for us, how could we ever say it’s lacking in some way? 

Again, these sayings aren’t stupid, but they often are unwise. Let us choose our words carefully, as God’s Word teaches us.

It’s been said that timing is everything. In a way, that’s true; timing is, at least, vital. Without proper timing everything else is worthless. What good is it to do the right things if it’s too early or too late? 

 Acts 1 records the final conversation Jesus had with His disciples before ascending to Heaven. They wanted to know when the restoration of Israel would take place, if He would do it now that He had risen from the tomb. He answered, “You don’t get to know the time. Timing is the Father’s business.” (The Message).

Timing is always set by the one in authority. Students don’t decide when their assignments are due; the teacher does. The one convicted doesn’t get to decide when the prison term begins and ends; a judge does that.

Try going to your boss and telling them you expect something on your desk by a certain time. The boss welcomes your request for whatever you need to do your job, but they’ll decide when it’s delivered. And the boss gets to dictate to you when they expect you to accomplish a task. Timing is always in the hands of the one in authority. Therefore, God holds the timing of things in our lives. 

Returning to Acts 1, we see that God gave the disciples what they needed (the Holy Spirit), and instructed them that their job was to obey His instructions (wait in Jerusalem). That was, and still is, the arrangement of responsibilities: God handles the timing, and we obey His instructions. 

The challenge comes when our idea of timing differs from God’s. I should’ve been offered a job by now (my current situation; please pray for me)…I should be with my future spouse by now…God is late bringing a buyer for my house…My spouse and I need to conceive a child now.

I’m sure some of the disciples were tempted to get on with fulfilling the Great Commission, but if they’d moved forward without the Holy Spirit, their work would’ve been fruitless. The Holy Spirit is always needed to bring people to faith in Christ; it can be done without us, but never without Him. 

Likewise, it’s God’s Spirit who’s needed to meet our needs, and He always knows when the best time for it is. Timing is His business; our job is to be obedient and trust Him.

As long as we’re faithful with our job and trust God to do His, things will turn out. And with perfect timing.

Jesus offended the Jewish religious leaders of His day, the scribes, Pharisees, and Sadducees. But what was it about Him that offended them most? Was it that He could do things they couldn’t, like heal the sick and lame, give sight to the blind and hearing to the deaf, even raise the dead? 

Surely, they felt threatened by these miraculous acts. When Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead, the religious leaders, especially the Sadducees, who didn’t believe in the resurrection, made it their top priority to eliminate Lazarus as proof of Jesus’ power over the grave, so they tried to kill the man Jesus had brought back to life. (I can’t imagine why they didn’t understand the futility of that plan.)

What about Jesus’ teaching? Is that what it was that offended them most? It was said that He taught with authority, and not like the other teachers of His day. Hearing that must’ve really cooked their goose. He said things like, you’ve heard it said…but I say to you…the least among you shall be the greatest in the kingdom of Heaven…your righteousness must exceed that of the religious leaders.

The things Jesus said and taught were doubtless offensive to His opponents. I believe what He said got their attention more than anything else He did, but I’ll return to that in a moment.

First, though, let’s consider another offensive factor, popular opinion. What the Jewish population thought of Jesus and were saying about Him was important to the religious leaders. They valued popular opinion because they needed it to accomplish their agendas. So, when the crowds who followed Jesus around to see His miracles and hear His teaching said they thought He was the Messiah, the religious leaders took it as a threat; people were believing the promised epic political-religious-military leader was there to receive all their allegiance, the allegiance the religious leaders craved for themselves so badly. 

Returning to the matter of Jesus’ own words being most offensive to the leaders, there was one message in particular that sent the religious bigots over the top. It was His own claim that He was the Messiah – or any phraseology that resembled such a claim – that they found most offensive.

It was one thing for the crowds to say it, but quite another for Jesus, Himself, to say it. That’s why they made such strong attempts at getting Jesus to say something offensive; if they could hear it from His own mouth, they’d have ammunition enough to legally kill Him.

So, they salivated when He referred to Himself as the Son of Man or spoke of His Heavenly Father. 

As long as He was teaching challenging truths or working undeniable miracles, His eventual accusers, although not pleased, didn’t accuse Him of blasphemy. But once He showed awareness of His own position in God’s Kingdom, He was persecuted, captured, falsely accused and killed.

A powerful principle shows itself in this process, one that applies to you and me as well. We offend most when we show that we’re aware of our own favored position in God’s kingdom. 

Our enemy knows God favors us, and he knows we don’t deserve it. It isn’t that the devil is ok with that reality. But what really shakes him is when we become aware of the love, favor, privileges, gifts and abilities God has given to us. He knows that, until we know our God-given potential, we’re sleeping giants. He’s hoping against all hope that we don’t wake up to our reality. 

We may see people in our lives become jealous of us, feeling it unfair that we have benefits we haven’t earned. But those people aren’t our problem. We wrestle not against flesh and blood (people), but against the demonic forces of Hell’s kingdom, which is always against us, but over whom we have victory in Christ Jesus. 

We can allow neither Hell nor earth to deny us the privileges Jesus afforded us by His sacrifice and His powerful return to life. 

So, let us be courageous; let us remain aware of who we are in Christ, supernaturally empowered beings gifted with abilities we don’t deserve, but are called by God to use for Him. Let the enemy be offended; it will not change who we are, but only defeat him further.