Conflict is a word that comes from the Latin confligere. Its two word parts (con: together and fligere: strike) combine to mean to hit one another. Conflict is literal and physical in its most basic meaning but we also use it figuratively to include verbal and emotional, meaning people can hurt each other emotionally with their words. Of course, conflict can come by nonverbal communication as well.
Conflict is one of the most common challenges in marriage. Since it’s as likely to happen inadvertently as on purpose, it’s pretty much inevitable for the married couple, so the best strategy is to manage it, rather than to expect to prevent it completely.
Here are four keys to help manage conflict in a marriage:
1. Agree with God’s Word. So much conflict comes from spouses disagreeing with each other. Some people are downright disagreeable, meaning they have a pattern of contradicting whatever is said. The best way to deal with a disagreeable person is to speak only what aligns with God’s Word. Then, if they disagree, they’re disagreeing with God, not you. God’s Word can be interpreted differently by different people, but an effort to align your life with Scripture can’t hurt. However, I would stay away from using God’s Word to support your side of an argument; arguing about God’s Word can get ugly. In First Corinthians 2:2, Paul writes that he had determined to know only the crucified Christ when he was with them in Corinth. This precluded his being seen as a know-it-all, and an ever-awareness-of-Christ-crucified is the attitude I’m describing here.
2. Don’t die on any hill. Historically in warfare, warriors have attempted to hold a hill against their enemy. They’d risk their life, of course, for whatever hill they fought for, so choosing a worthwhile hill would be important. In marriage, the only victory in an argument is when both spouses come into agreement, making both winners. So, every marital conflict needs to end with agreement. It may be hard to remember when you’re focused on making a point with your spouse, so you may want to write this down somewhere so you can grab it when your emotions are soaring. The words are: No hill is worth more than my marriage.
3. Choose humility over being right. Humility is what’s at work when you position yourself lower than another. You do this by words, decisions and actions. When this happens, the others involved see that you aren’t trying to hurt them so they can trust you. Humility is always the position for victory in marriage.
4. Walk in the Spirit. The single best way to keep a close, peaceful, joyful relationship with your spouse is to stay close to God. Close to God means that you’re in whisper range of His voice and your heart desires Him more than anything else. Walking in the Spirit is really the key to the Christian life.
Conflict may be inevitable, but that doesn’t mean spouses have to live in constant disagreement and defeat and devoid of peace and joy. If we manage it well, our marriages can still be very good.